I have been doing several different pre-marital session in the last couple of weeks as I prepare for some fall weddings. One of the handouts I use talks about the different ways that we value money. These are money as security, money as prestige, money as enjoyment, and money as control. While I can respect why it is that people value money for the first three, the last one, money as control, strikes me as a bad thing. Using wealth as a way to exert influence over someone just feels wrong to me. It goes against that fundamental notion that we are meant to have free will. Once we start seeking to control others, we remove some of that freedom.
I ran into an interesting experience of this today as I was dining out for lunch. I had finished my meal and was waiting to pay for it. The server had dropped of the bill and then disappeared. I quickly got out my card and waited to give it back. Several minutes later I was still waiting. As the time passed and my server clearly remained busy with other tables, I became more frustrated. One of my first thoughts was to tip less because of the lack of service. In a very small way (a dollar difference) I was planning to use my money to influence the behavior, to reward, or in this case punish behavior. As I wrestled with my emotions it cause me to wonder if it was a good thing or a bad thing to see money as a form of control, and whether any control could really be a good means to an end.
What are we trying to accomplish when we tip? Are we seeking to reward good service? (A way of thanking the server for a good meal/experience) Are we giving money in hopes of influencing future good actions? (We tip well now hoping to get even better service the next time.) Are we simply tipping out of social necessity? (Since in general restaurants do not pay their servers enough to really survive with out tips.) Is tipping just another way we use our money to exercise power and control? As my brain tries to work this one out I come out with unsatisfactory answers on either side. Using money to control actions seems wrong, but at the same time, isn't that exactly what we do every day when we buy food, pay our bills, and participate in any other part of the service based economy? Is the real issue with money that how each of us has is so imbalanced, so that a server at a restaurant has to work hard for each dollar that others of us have to give away at our leisure? Though maybe the real question is why I still cannot type restaurant correctly? (thank you spell checking)
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Have you ever worked a tipped job? My attitudes about the whole thing--and especially tip jars, which are a little different from tipping at tables--changed when I started working as a barista. At a coffee shop, the price of your drink pays for your drink, including the effort it takes to make it. Your tip pays for the grin and remembering your usual and recommending something you might like if we're out of it. If you're super persnickety about how your drink is made, above what's accounted for in the cost (double-blended frappuccinos, steamed milk toppers on coffee or tea, extra-hot no-foam anything), then it's appropriate to tip the barista for the effort. Tipping is like any other form of gift-giving; it deepens and extends a relationship. If you just want the drink and don't want to chat about your last vacation and your kids, a good way to signal that attitude is to avoid tipping. If you have to have a cell phone conversation or otherwise insult the barista, putting money in the tip jar while you say "sorry" helps. We're too poor to be proud.
Very few extremely well-off people are good tippers, but at a tenth of the income, most people who work for tips themselves will tip very well.
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